Strong Marriage Experiment Day 7 – State of the Union Marriage Meeting

Today’s challenge was to sit down and formally discuss anything and everything that has been on our mind. 

We are using the term “State of the Union” from renowned relationship expert Dr. John Gottman’s work to describe the meeting.  He uses the term to define a formal meeting which couples use attunement skills to gain perspective on an argument.

We, however, are using it to refer to a weekly meeting where the husband and wife come together and discuss what’s going well, what’s not, make plans for the upcoming week, discuss long-term goals and any other concerns they might have.

David and I enjoyed this meeting for completely different reasons:

• I liked that it gave me a chance to talk with him about some things that had been bothering me, because remember, we are not allowed to be critical or unkind during the entire 21-day experiment.  I loved that since I wasn’t engaging with David while I was annoyed or upset during the week that we were able to make a lot more progress in discussing it.
• He liked it because it gave him a chance to talk about schedules and expectations for the week ahead.  It also carved out some time for us to talk about strategic, long term goals we are working towards.

The meeting went long (about one and a half hours), but despite the time, it was clear to us right away this is definitely something we want to keep doing after the experiment is over.

State of the Union Rules of Engagement:

• Start off by making it a point to encourage each other with what has been going well.  You may be surprised how easy it is to rattle off a list of things your spouse has done that has made a difference for you since you’ve been loving on each other various ways for the past week.
• Discuss one or two things that have been bothering you.  Make sure to bring up only the points you think really need to be addressed.  I know I check out or blow up if David goes down the line of all of my faults and shortcomings.  It is much easier to take in small doses.
• Next talk about anything that will make your life together go more smoothly.  We’ve found our cadence is a little more in sync when we talk about plans, schedules, expectations, and goals but your marriage may have different needs.
• End with kind, encouraging, thankful, loving words.  Make sure to always start and end with the good stuff!

TAKE ACTION:  Try the State of the Union Marriage Meetings for a few weeks and see for yourself if it makes a difference in the way you and your spouse communicate.  (*Update — David and I have continued the SOTU Marriage Meetings every week since we completed the Strong Marriage Experiment and it has absolutely transformed things for us.  I hope it does the same for your marriage!)  And if you haven’t yet, don’t forget to join the LUVolution!