We are not mind readers so why is it that we expect our spouses to get all Kris Angel on us and know precisely what we need from them at all times without clearly communicating what that is?
Some of the best council I ever received was from our therapist soon after we got married. We hadn’t been married long and I was fighting mad by what I perceived as David’s lack of interest in me. We were newlyweds so I couldn’t wrap my mind around why he was not all over me whenever we were together. Why didn’t he reach for my hand when we were at the mall? Why didn’t he play with my hair when I sat in front of him on the couch? Why didn’t he put his arm around me at church?
I remember being so angry that he wanted to have sex but didn’t seem to care about other non sexual forms of touching. Our counselor’s advice was simple, yet entirely offensive to my romantic sensibilities. “Tell David what you want, tell him EXACTLY what you need!”
It messed with my pride because why should I have to tell him? If he really cared shouldn’t he just know?!
Ever since getting that advice we have really tried to keep the lines of communication open between us. At first I really resented that I had to literally tell him to put his arm around me when we were in public, but after realizing that he was truly clueless about what my expectations and desires were much of the time I began to embrace the challenge.
I trusted that he wanted to meet my needs but just didn’t know how and he extended the same confidence towards me. We began to ask for what we needed from each other.
Over time the things that flew right over his head (but seemed obvious to me) — and vise versa — became a natural component of our interactions with one other. I no longer had to ask him to show his affection, he just did. He no longer had to mention the way I squeezed the toothpaste… alright, I’m still working on that.
Anyway, you get the picture. The good news is, we know this method really works!
Strong Marriage Experiment Day 11 – Tell Me What You Need
Communicate clearly what you would like from your spouse as well as ask them one question: What are 3 ways I can love you better?
Here’s what we came up with:
3 Ways you (David) can Love me (Emily) Better:
- Connect with us before you start cleaning up after you get home from work.
- Be more spontaneous
- Practice gratitude and have more of an optimistic outlook on things
3 Ways you (Emily) can Love me (David) Better:
- Only have one project out and going at a time.
- Have the house basically picked up when I get home from work.
- Flush and close the toilet.
I know there are many forms of communication, but sometimes the most empowering thing we can do is to be vulnerable enough to tell our spouse exactly what we need from them.
I’ll leave you with this wise quote from George Bernard Shaw: “The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.”
Join the LUVolution!