Everyone knows that forgiveness is a cornerstone to a healthy marriage but did you know that science supports the importance of forgiveness? Research shows that higher overall happiness is attributed to it, and not only that – stress levels decrease and we have better heart health if we refuse to hold grudges.
Better heart health! Isn’t that beautiful?!
Day 4 – Forgive My Spouse
Today’s action is to write a list of anything that we’ve been holding against each other, no matter how small, and forgive each other.
If you’ve read my recent post on forgiveness you will know that I have had ample opportunity to practice it this past year. It hasn’t been easy but it has been freeing.
Even though forgiveness is essential in keeping the lines of communication open and our hearts happily engaged, doesn’t there seem to be certain things that just keep coming up? David and I have tried to keep a short list of wrongs done over the years but we’ve found there to be a handful of weak spots that tend to trip us up.
I came across a concept referred to as “Enduring Vulnerabilities” recently that I’d not heard of before.
Enduring Vulnerabilities is a term used to describe past injuries that interfere with our ability to relate in healthy ways. Basically, things that tend to trigger us easily, or wounds from our past that impact the way we communicate.
Dave Willis calls these “Emotional Sunburns” and says:
When a person gets sunburned and then you pat them on the back, they might scream out in pain. Most of us have invisible “burns” on our hearts and souls from past hurts, and when someone gets close to those areas, we are tempted to lash out. In family conflict, be aware of those “sore spots” and work to heal them instead of agitating them.
From our experience, these “Emotional Sunburns” or “Enduring Vulnerabilities” are the things in a marriage that come up again and again, year after year. They’re the things that require us to be gentle and patient with one another.
It’s hard. FREAKING HARD sometimes! But isn’t the unconditional aspect of love the very thing that makes it so beautiful?
The important thing to remember about forgiveness is that it is not condoning, ignoring or excusing. It’s simply letting go of the negative emotions associated with wrongs that have been done to us.
David and I are both extremely flawed and broken but it’s one foot in front of the other in this marriage marathon and sometimes the only way forward is forgiving each other for what’s behind.
Identifying Your Own Enduring Vulnerabilities
To figure our what your enduring vulnerabilities are, ask yourself do I over react when:
- Treated Unfairly
- Disrespected
- Controlled
- Rejected or Left Out
- Neglected or Ignored
- Powerless
- Abused in Some Way
If so, why?
Once you have a better idea of why you do those things that upset your spouse, take some time to be gentle with each other and communicate what you learned. Then practice being good forgivers.
TAKE ACTION: Dig deep into our own heart and look for the root cause of some of your own Enduring Vulnerabilities. It will be a gift to your marriage as it’ll give an opportunity to share with your spouse why you may react the way we do to certain triggers. Sometimes just knowing is half the battle.
